Wonka 4 Presidente

After recently watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, (not that new one with the Depp as the crappy creepy Wonka, but the old school one with bad ass mother fucker Gene Wilder Wonka) I began to think that such a character would make a great president. You may be asking yourself "Why would the Birddogger think of such a thing?" Well, if you haven't noticed, the top of this damn thing says "Thoughts of the Birddogger" and there is some crazy shit that I think about from time to time. This shit is no different. It all smells funny and goes down this hole which is also known to some young children as the fish cemetery.



1. Wonka is dedicated.

Wonka didn't just own a chocolate factory, the committed his life to chocolate (and no, this doesn't mean he had jungle fever). He also wasn't prejudice to just chocolate, Wonka was like Jesus and loved all candy. He was so dedicated, be built machines to revolutionize candy. Some might say he was obsessed with his work, but I say "Is that really a problem?" I mean, in some ways I see the similarity to the No Child Left Behind policy. Candy was meant for every child, and Wonka wanted to be the guy with the van outside of playgrounds ready to give it them.



He wasn't married, so there wouldn't be any Clinton sex scandals going on. Maybe he could be married to the candy itself, it would probably be easier and a lot less nagging.



2. Wonka created jobs.

This is where I think he would fit in the best. Wonka created tons of jobs in his factory, and to top it off, they were illegal immigrants. Cheap labor that knew had to get the job done just sounds all to familiar.



But let's not forget the important part of this. Wonka put people hard working and trusted people to work. Not only that, he properly educated them on how to do the job, and then he left them to do it. This even includes the creepy Slugworth character in the film who was actually working for Wonka (if you haven't seen it, sorry for the spoiler, but seriously, how can you call your past a childhood without watching this flick) accomplished his job. I doubt Wonka would pick people who failed to pay their taxes for his cabinet, just trusted peeps who know what they are doing, no matter what color they are.



3. Wonka doesn't feel sorry for stupid people.

I know that people need help from time to time, but they need to quit whining and waiting for someone else to deliver. Wonka let the stupid kids make their dumb mistakes, tell them no, stop, don't do it under his breath, watch the fail and then send a small orange guy to bail them out. Bail outs, ha, that sounds familiar too. Except once they were bailed, they were banned. I think Wonka would do the same in office. It would be similar to a Make-A-Wish foundation, everyone would get one free pass, but that's it. So if you are in dire straights, you better make your wish count, because after that, you were disregarded.



4. Wonka holds people accountable... etc... etc..

Perhaps my favorite part of the movie is the end when he tells poor old Charlie that he loses.



Willy Wonka: [springs up from his chair, angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy [grabs a magnifying glass and reads]

Willy Wonka: - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis punitor delicatum!" [slams the magnifying glass down, shouts]

Willy Wonka: It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get *NOTHING*! You lose! Good day sir!



Man, I know a few business CEO's that could use that kind of ass chewing. A terrorist would piss himself after such a chewing. The Soviet Union would have crumbled much sooner if Wonka were president. Baseball players would cry from steroid emotion and admit to using. Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae would be a thing of the past, ohh and AIG wouldn't have gotten a bonus bail out cash to begin with. Wonka's attention to details would have saved this country a lot of time.



5. Wonka is very logical.

When the recipe needed a kick, Wonka through in a boot. If it was to cold, he added a blanket. Nothing fancy, he just did what was needed to get the job done. The economy needs to be fixed, I am sure he would grab a wrench. Terrorist threatening us in Iraq, he would shoot first. Nothing fancy, just what was needed.

I also think Wonka would step away and let experts in respective fields take over. He is very good at management, and I am sure he would write a song to help put things in order.

Unfortunately, I don't think Wonka would be very popular among the American people. We are becoming a nation of expectation and needs, and are turning to everyone else to fulfill such. Wonka would tell us to get off our asses and make due with we have. Not happy? Then fix it yourself. Can't? Then tough shit.