Rappers Nativity Part 1

I have concluded that the closet thing to Santa Clause in this world is the UPS man. Every time I think of the UPS man, I think of the big jolly Kevin James of the show "King of Queens." He has a round face and a big belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. I totally see the resemblance. The shopping cart I fill up online is my wish list, my debit card holds the magic numbers that tells the website to take my wishes off the list and then I patiently wait with for my present to come.


This thought came to me as I was awaiting my package from Barnes and Nobles the other day. Christmas was flowing through my mind like hot chicks. The Nativity Scene came to mind. That scene is plastered all over peoples yards like toilet paper every year. Then I wondered, what if I replaced the people in the story with rappers?

It is a winter evening in the Holy Land, and on the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field walks Mary and Joseph. Mary is played by Lil' Kim for the main reason that she probably already has a boob hanging out and ready to breast feed. Joseph is none other than 50 cent. He is just your everyday thug life carpenter trying to get rich or die trying.

So there they were, walking along the mojavi dessert in sandals and wife-beaters, looking for a place to stay the night. They come to an inn and ask for the keeper. What do you know, Samuel L. Jackson appears from the darkness. "Can I help you?" he asks 50.

"I am going to have a baby!" Lil' Kim announces.

Jackson snaps, "I don't remember asking you a God damn thing." He turns back to 50 as Lil Kim gives him the finger.

50 cent: "Look man, we need a place to stay for the night."

Jackson: "It will cost you."

50 cent: "I have some bacon."

Jackson: "No man, I don't eat pork."

50 cent: "You Jewish too nigga?"

Jackson: "Fuck no I ain't Jewish. I just don't dig on swine, that's all. Pigs are filthy animals, and I don't eat filthy animals. What else you got?"

50 cent: "Hate it or love it, that's all I got."

Jackson: "Look Ringo, I am trying real hard to be a sheppard. That sheep ain't cheap. No money, no stay."

50 cent: "Come on man. All a nigga really needs is a lil' bit."

Lil' Kim starts screaming from a contraction.

Jackson: "Bitch, be cool. Tell that bitch to chill... Normally I would have told you assholes to fuck off, but you happen to pull this shit while I am in a transitional period and I wanna help you. Up the road and to the left lies a retired doctor and his dog. It's getting late, I will walk you over there. I actually enjoy wondering the earth and meet people like Caine in Kung Fu."

And so they went.....

Free Agency Thoughts

So my football thoughts is the real reason I created this blog. I hate how I have all these football conspiracies and thoughts and most time they are right. Unfortunately there is no record of such, just the words of my friends. So now it becomes official, with a date attached to it. As the football season comes around, I will have more predictions on how I forsee the season. Just how accurate am I? Well, I knew the Cardinals were not going to go down easy last year.



Free Agency is over half-way through and the draft is on the horizon. As big names trade logos for cash, I shake my head in shame at a few teams. Luckily, none of them are my favorite.



The New England Patriots should change their name to the New England Retirement Home. Some may say I am just hating on the team, but sorry Mrs. Jackson, I am for real. New England has become the home to many football players before their retirement. I can only see the Patriots winning the Super Bowl of Shuffleboard. This off-season seems to follow the same routine as they picked up Fred Taylor, Shawn Springs, Greg Lewis, and they are trying to get Julius Peppers.



Although the names mentioned are all good players, they are not the key to winning a Super Bowl. If I were to ask any hard core Pats fan which players are key to their success, one name would stand out. Tom Brady. They drafted him, groomed him, and if he comes back from his injury healthy they may have another chance at a Division Title if not a Conference one. Old fogies didn't get them to where they are at now. Young talent is what leads to championships. If they ever draft an Adrian Peterson, Willie Parker, or Maurice Jones-Drew for a running back, they will have a package not seen since the Irvin, Aikman and Smith.



There are other teams that follow the retirement home model. The Washington Redskins and The Dallas Cowboys will also not do well in the coming season. The Cowboys went out and got my favorite player, Zach Thomas, last year and not much came of it. This year they tried to pick up Ray Lewis and failed. I am sure they will try to pick up some other big name to along with their young ones. I hope they draft well in the first round, ohh yeah, they gave that up to Detroit. Ohh well. Maybe 2010 will have better luck for the Boys.

The Redskins are notorious for spending money like crazy in free agency and this year was not different. $100 million for Albert Haynesworth is absolutely ridiculous. I would understand spending this much money in a different sport where one person can pull your team to the championship by himself. Unfortunately football is not such a sport. If Haynesworth is really that good, then why aren't the Titans sporting new championship rings? I am not trying to say he isn't good, I am just saying he isn't worth $100 million. He will probably follow the same route as my boy Jason Taylor.

One of these days, these teams will learn. Ehh, probably not. We will just have to see what the draft brings everyone.

Month of Green

So it is March, and this month is associated with my favorite color in all the worlds. Green is just an awesome color. I never quite understood why it is my favorite. I do know it has always been. However, the color Blue stands out to me from time to time. I think Crayola should create a box of what the children of two colors would be. I think they should give them cool names too. I think a blue-green combination should be called EMO. It would have the depressing blue side with the tree hugger green aspect. And the spokes-person would be a guy similar to the "leave Brittney alone" guy Chris Crocker.



EMO: "How dare people trash the Earth after all it's been through," sniffle sniffle. "It saw the Dinosaurs, went through the Ice Age, and Father Time left her ass in the middle of pregnancy. Leave her alone! Your lucky she hasn't turned upside down on you bastards. LEAVE THE EARTH ALONE!" tear, tear. "Please...."



Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the festivities of the past few days got me to thinking more about my favorite color and what it stands for besides the month of March.



1: Green means go!

I can't stand it when people sit at a green light. Normally they are searching for something in the floor board that fell earlier. Leave the french fry down there fat ass. I am sure McDonald's gave you more than one.

Or the creeper staring at the hot chick in the car next door. Dude, she probably just got her license and when she looks at you, you are probably going to look in the forward direction anyway and act like you weren't staring. Just focus on the light, cause I am ready to go right now.

I might let this go if you jump out of the car and don't get back in before the light becomes Green. I get a kick out of that and used to do it myself from time to time in my younger years. Of if you were filming a movie from inside the vehicle that consisted of a lot of action, not the Christian Bale type of action either, like the Jenna Jameson type of action. I could excuse this even if there wasn't a camera involved.



2: The Hulk is green.

I am not sure how Stan Lee came up with the idea of a nerd getting pissed off and shot up on more steroids than Barry Bonds, but it turned out to be a multi-million dollar idea. The same thing happens to me when I get pissed off, except I just turn a darker brown. Don't believe me, then ask yourself, "Have I ever seen the Birddogger really pissed off?"



3: Slime is green.

This substance placed Nickelodeon on the map. Who would have guessed a television network that assists with the dirtying of kids would turn out to be more than a fad. Dumping kids in mystery Green goop was such a great phenomenon in my child hood. I laughed at their punk asses secretly thinking I could win it all on Double Dare.



4: Boogers are green.

I am not sure why the color Green is associated with Mucus. Even the Mucinex people use a little Green guy as their mascot. I really believe I have only seen one Green moco from my nariz. The only reason I know this is because I play pick-a-boo with the Kleenex from time to time. I am sure may find this kind of gross, but it is a lot better than playing Tag.



5: Money is green.

I say this knowing that the children who grew up playing Monopoly are slowly changing the color of our money to resemble the currency of the beloved game. However, Green is still commonly associated with the dollar signs. I also think money smells bad. A buddy once told me that money is like farts, yours is the only kind that smells good.



6: Green is sick.

Normally when someone shows a green faced emoticon, it means sick. And the altered emoticons have the little face puking. The chick from the Exorcists had the same problem. She was green and ate nothing but pee soup the day before. This may be the reason that Chicken Noodle is now the soup of choice for illness. Green isn't the only color associated with faces though. Blue means your upset and crying like a little bitch. Red means you are pissed, probably because someone just pissed in your closet or something. Purple means you were just recently visited by Chris Brown. And we all know what Rainbow means.



7: Green is Eco-friendly.

Every time I save the office some money, I look around and wait for the cartoon vines and birds to show up with their catchy tune. It seems like Green is the way to go in everything. Businesses are pushing Green, cars are going more Green, electricity is trying to become more Green, it is just never ending.



8: Baby Shit is green.

I am not sure why these two things are associated with each other, but they are. Not only that, someone had to come along and decide that it would be a great color for a VW Beetle. I would hate to be that guy.

9: Grass Jelly is green.

I am sure that most people don't know what grass jelly is, but if you are Asian, you have an idea. I don't really know what it is used for, but if you come across, trust me when I tell you it doesn't taste like lime flavored Jello. Believe it or not, the stuff taste like grass. I didn't really read the can when I tried it, but it is possible it is intended for a grass loving animal, which I am not. Just know that next time you are at IHOP and there is some green jelly to place on your toast, you should probably pick another color. The Chris Brown purple has a nice flavor on wheat.

10: Green is Horny.

I am not sure when this actually came to be, but I came to the realization that Green means horny back in middle school. If it meant horny before that time, I was to innocent to realize it. It cracks me up that the leader of the green horny movement is an m&m. It has to be those boots of hers. If m&m's mate, does the chick give birth to m&m's mini's?

Christian Delight

I had the pleasure of working a Christian Seminar. There was bands singing about... well I am sure you can probably guess. Old men talking about... well I am sure you know who. And little raging hormone adolescent teens soaking it all up. I think I heard the word "Jesus" more than the word "dude" in the Big Labowski in a five minute period. The love their Jesus, and I say "Whatever floats your boat."

However, I have come to the conclusion that Jesus gave up carpentry a long time ago because it wasn't paying the bills.

In the religious system, adolescent teens are considered especially impressionable. In Dallas, Texas the dedicated Birddogger investigates this concert as a member of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. This is his story. (dum, dum)

The cheapest ticket available to attend the concert was $50. The building held roughly 9,000 people. 50 x 9,000 = $450,000

Did I mention this is a christian gathering? Religion = Tax Exempt

Plus there were items galore to help these teens get their Jesus fix. T-shirts at $20, Hoodies at $40, CD's and books at$15. The man knows what he is doing.

Of course, there are cost to hold the event. The venue itself couldn't cost more than $100 thousand for the weekend, so even if that is the case, that still leaves a hefty profit. But get this....

The stage crew are interns that pay the event to help. And the rest of their staff, all volunteers.

I almost forgot to mention, they took up an offering during the concert. TWICE! Uncle Sam should get tips from Jesus. That Mexican knows what he is doing.

I guess it just goes back to simple economics of supply and demand. I am not really sure what is actually being supplied, but there is plenty of demand.

Although I probably offended every Jesus sandal wearing person who reads this, believe me that is not my intent. I am not here to judge, just to call it how I see it.

I do have to say that the entire time I was listening to their sermon about blocking every negative image of society, the only thing I could think of was what song I would love to blast during the concert tear down process.

Of course Metallica, Pantera, and Rob Zombie came to mind, but I truly think that would be expected. I would have to be more clever than that. I turned to the Reverend Lil' John.

These kids could dance, so I know they have rhythm. Nothing would get them going than "Get Low." People hear that song and get crunk. I think even God listens to it, he should he is mentioned in it a few times. All the teens would point to the windows and the walls while their youth ministers stare in shock that they know the words. The song is awesome and it would be the perfect counter song to all the hand raising stuff they heard earlier. Skeet, Skeet.

Kids are impressionable, but not dumb. We all wonder around, constantly gain experience and learn new things all the time. Especially as teenagers who are constantly developing character. To try to suppress human nature is like trying to use the force, it just isn't going to happen. You can tell someone that the sky is blue and there is no reason to see it, but human nature will nudge your head upward.

If you really want to help someone, don't tell them to ignore the world around them, teach them about the world around them. Knowledge is the key to understanding, and you don't get that by reading just one book.