Month of Green

So it is March, and this month is associated with my favorite color in all the worlds. Green is just an awesome color. I never quite understood why it is my favorite. I do know it has always been. However, the color Blue stands out to me from time to time. I think Crayola should create a box of what the children of two colors would be. I think they should give them cool names too. I think a blue-green combination should be called EMO. It would have the depressing blue side with the tree hugger green aspect. And the spokes-person would be a guy similar to the "leave Brittney alone" guy Chris Crocker.



EMO: "How dare people trash the Earth after all it's been through," sniffle sniffle. "It saw the Dinosaurs, went through the Ice Age, and Father Time left her ass in the middle of pregnancy. Leave her alone! Your lucky she hasn't turned upside down on you bastards. LEAVE THE EARTH ALONE!" tear, tear. "Please...."



Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the festivities of the past few days got me to thinking more about my favorite color and what it stands for besides the month of March.



1: Green means go!

I can't stand it when people sit at a green light. Normally they are searching for something in the floor board that fell earlier. Leave the french fry down there fat ass. I am sure McDonald's gave you more than one.

Or the creeper staring at the hot chick in the car next door. Dude, she probably just got her license and when she looks at you, you are probably going to look in the forward direction anyway and act like you weren't staring. Just focus on the light, cause I am ready to go right now.

I might let this go if you jump out of the car and don't get back in before the light becomes Green. I get a kick out of that and used to do it myself from time to time in my younger years. Of if you were filming a movie from inside the vehicle that consisted of a lot of action, not the Christian Bale type of action either, like the Jenna Jameson type of action. I could excuse this even if there wasn't a camera involved.



2: The Hulk is green.

I am not sure how Stan Lee came up with the idea of a nerd getting pissed off and shot up on more steroids than Barry Bonds, but it turned out to be a multi-million dollar idea. The same thing happens to me when I get pissed off, except I just turn a darker brown. Don't believe me, then ask yourself, "Have I ever seen the Birddogger really pissed off?"



3: Slime is green.

This substance placed Nickelodeon on the map. Who would have guessed a television network that assists with the dirtying of kids would turn out to be more than a fad. Dumping kids in mystery Green goop was such a great phenomenon in my child hood. I laughed at their punk asses secretly thinking I could win it all on Double Dare.



4: Boogers are green.

I am not sure why the color Green is associated with Mucus. Even the Mucinex people use a little Green guy as their mascot. I really believe I have only seen one Green moco from my nariz. The only reason I know this is because I play pick-a-boo with the Kleenex from time to time. I am sure may find this kind of gross, but it is a lot better than playing Tag.



5: Money is green.

I say this knowing that the children who grew up playing Monopoly are slowly changing the color of our money to resemble the currency of the beloved game. However, Green is still commonly associated with the dollar signs. I also think money smells bad. A buddy once told me that money is like farts, yours is the only kind that smells good.



6: Green is sick.

Normally when someone shows a green faced emoticon, it means sick. And the altered emoticons have the little face puking. The chick from the Exorcists had the same problem. She was green and ate nothing but pee soup the day before. This may be the reason that Chicken Noodle is now the soup of choice for illness. Green isn't the only color associated with faces though. Blue means your upset and crying like a little bitch. Red means you are pissed, probably because someone just pissed in your closet or something. Purple means you were just recently visited by Chris Brown. And we all know what Rainbow means.



7: Green is Eco-friendly.

Every time I save the office some money, I look around and wait for the cartoon vines and birds to show up with their catchy tune. It seems like Green is the way to go in everything. Businesses are pushing Green, cars are going more Green, electricity is trying to become more Green, it is just never ending.



8: Baby Shit is green.

I am not sure why these two things are associated with each other, but they are. Not only that, someone had to come along and decide that it would be a great color for a VW Beetle. I would hate to be that guy.

9: Grass Jelly is green.

I am sure that most people don't know what grass jelly is, but if you are Asian, you have an idea. I don't really know what it is used for, but if you come across, trust me when I tell you it doesn't taste like lime flavored Jello. Believe it or not, the stuff taste like grass. I didn't really read the can when I tried it, but it is possible it is intended for a grass loving animal, which I am not. Just know that next time you are at IHOP and there is some green jelly to place on your toast, you should probably pick another color. The Chris Brown purple has a nice flavor on wheat.

10: Green is Horny.

I am not sure when this actually came to be, but I came to the realization that Green means horny back in middle school. If it meant horny before that time, I was to innocent to realize it. It cracks me up that the leader of the green horny movement is an m&m. It has to be those boots of hers. If m&m's mate, does the chick give birth to m&m's mini's?