Rappers Nativity Part 1

I have concluded that the closet thing to Santa Clause in this world is the UPS man. Every time I think of the UPS man, I think of the big jolly Kevin James of the show "King of Queens." He has a round face and a big belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. I totally see the resemblance. The shopping cart I fill up online is my wish list, my debit card holds the magic numbers that tells the website to take my wishes off the list and then I patiently wait with for my present to come.


This thought came to me as I was awaiting my package from Barnes and Nobles the other day. Christmas was flowing through my mind like hot chicks. The Nativity Scene came to mind. That scene is plastered all over peoples yards like toilet paper every year. Then I wondered, what if I replaced the people in the story with rappers?

It is a winter evening in the Holy Land, and on the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field walks Mary and Joseph. Mary is played by Lil' Kim for the main reason that she probably already has a boob hanging out and ready to breast feed. Joseph is none other than 50 cent. He is just your everyday thug life carpenter trying to get rich or die trying.

So there they were, walking along the mojavi dessert in sandals and wife-beaters, looking for a place to stay the night. They come to an inn and ask for the keeper. What do you know, Samuel L. Jackson appears from the darkness. "Can I help you?" he asks 50.

"I am going to have a baby!" Lil' Kim announces.

Jackson snaps, "I don't remember asking you a God damn thing." He turns back to 50 as Lil Kim gives him the finger.

50 cent: "Look man, we need a place to stay for the night."

Jackson: "It will cost you."

50 cent: "I have some bacon."

Jackson: "No man, I don't eat pork."

50 cent: "You Jewish too nigga?"

Jackson: "Fuck no I ain't Jewish. I just don't dig on swine, that's all. Pigs are filthy animals, and I don't eat filthy animals. What else you got?"

50 cent: "Hate it or love it, that's all I got."

Jackson: "Look Ringo, I am trying real hard to be a sheppard. That sheep ain't cheap. No money, no stay."

50 cent: "Come on man. All a nigga really needs is a lil' bit."

Lil' Kim starts screaming from a contraction.

Jackson: "Bitch, be cool. Tell that bitch to chill... Normally I would have told you assholes to fuck off, but you happen to pull this shit while I am in a transitional period and I wanna help you. Up the road and to the left lies a retired doctor and his dog. It's getting late, I will walk you over there. I actually enjoy wondering the earth and meet people like Caine in Kung Fu."

And so they went.....